Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Who Are You and What Do You Want?
I recently came to a realization. For 5 years or more, I lived with my brain in overdrive. Things were interesting, mind-expanding in so many directions at once, challenging. All through college, I took classes in multiple things that were interesting to me; when I got tired of one, I switched to another, and I could explore the connections I saw between disciplines. While living in Japan, I was surrounded by new and interesting things, and the most mundane of tasks was a challenging adventure.
Now it feels like what is being asked of me, in order to transition to the "real world", is that I turn down my brain. For so long, what I *did* with the majority of my time was engaging, and what I did in my free time was let my brain rest. Now I spend the majority of my time trying to keep my brain from realizing just how little is being asked of it, and my free time trying to figure out ways to fit in all the things I want to actually *do*.
I don't want to have to compromise, but I also don't feel like there's really a place for me out there. However, it is helpful to realize that such a place doesn't exist, because then I can stop feeling annoyed that I can't find it, and just see about trying to make it for myself, as best I can. Annoying, though. This will take much more effort.
To remind myself of my myriad goals, a list of things I actually want to *do*:
Now I just have to figure out how to manage my time better, so I can feel like I'm actually doing all this stuff, instead of wishing I had time to do it. Forever onward with reprioritizing life.
I recently came to a realization. For 5 years or more, I lived with my brain in overdrive. Things were interesting, mind-expanding in so many directions at once, challenging. All through college, I took classes in multiple things that were interesting to me; when I got tired of one, I switched to another, and I could explore the connections I saw between disciplines. While living in Japan, I was surrounded by new and interesting things, and the most mundane of tasks was a challenging adventure.
Now it feels like what is being asked of me, in order to transition to the "real world", is that I turn down my brain. For so long, what I *did* with the majority of my time was engaging, and what I did in my free time was let my brain rest. Now I spend the majority of my time trying to keep my brain from realizing just how little is being asked of it, and my free time trying to figure out ways to fit in all the things I want to actually *do*.
I don't want to have to compromise, but I also don't feel like there's really a place for me out there. However, it is helpful to realize that such a place doesn't exist, because then I can stop feeling annoyed that I can't find it, and just see about trying to make it for myself, as best I can. Annoying, though. This will take much more effort.
To remind myself of my myriad goals, a list of things I actually want to *do*:
- Find and explore new systems of movement, to fill the lack of Shotokan schools around
- Already working on it with tai chi and yoga
- Continue studying Japanese
- Materials acquired: The Pillow Book, The Tale of Genji, kanji practice books, various spoken language books
- Refresh Spanish by reading the Spanish fantasy novels I bought last year
- Continue learning about history from all over, essentially taking classes I didn't get to take while in school
- Have books on Japan, China, and Latin America ready to read
- Cross-stitch
- Have two patterns to put final touches on, one scheduled for immediate start
- Watch actually good TV shows that spark the imagination
- Continue the Babylon 5 marathon already in progress
- Read stuff that will inspire fiction writing again, or just plain write again
- Have a collaborative project ready when I am
Now I just have to figure out how to manage my time better, so I can feel like I'm actually doing all this stuff, instead of wishing I had time to do it. Forever onward with reprioritizing life.
