Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Rescind, Retract, Rewind
Okay, I feel better after my rant. The thing is, I'd probably be a good teacher. I'm not bad at it, and I'd probably get better. But it's not what I really want to do. What do I really want to do? I'm not really sure. I found an interesting quote in the book I'm currently reading, which I've been thinking about:

"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a think in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."
-The Great Book of Amber, by Roger Zelazny

I've never been able to answer the question of what I want to be. I have no particular profession in mind, unless I could actually get that job as a Lego engineer, or maybe a puppeteer for Henson studios. Beyond that, I can't think of a profession I want. I also can't really decide what it is I want to do for the rest of my life, except learn interesting things. I want to have space for my creativity. I want to read good books. I want to learn new languages. I want to see new places, and perhaps live there for a while.

Maybe being an English teacher would allow me to live like that. It could be my easy answer. But I just don't feel that it would be truly fulfilling. I still don't think I'm one of those people who can have a 9-5 job, and then have a life. Not that such an attitude doesn't seem more attractive the more I have to bring my work home with me. I am living in a strange mental limbo. There are so many things I could be, so many things I could do, and I can't narrow it down, so I'm in danger of becoming apathetic.

I think I need a vacation.

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